The 1000 Day Holiday

1. You can wake up during an earthquake and think that it’s just the
wind that’s shaking your house.

2. You can say “Wellington is full of ferries” and not be considered
homophobic.

3. You can recognise half the city’s population when walking down the
street.

4. You can afford a $1000 suit but still flat in a house that requires 3
sets of clothing and two dehumidifiers to stay warm.

5. You see someone travelling 100kph on the motorway and you complain
how fast people travel these days.

6. You walk from the Railway Station to Willis Street without ever
checking for traffic.

7. “Just turn left at the first StarMart, walk down the street till
you get to the third StarMart, turn right, go 3 StarMarts up and you’re
there”

8. Seeing the Brooklyn Wind Turbine not turning is a newsworthy event.

9. It takes you 20 minutes to drive around the block in peak traffic
due to the ‘one way system’.

10. Boarding a Stagecoach bus is a hazardous activity.

11. You take a bodyguard down Courtenay Place in case you bump into a
drunk politician.

12. The centre line is negotiable, especially on the Brooklyn &
Hataitai hills where parked cars can take up 80% of the road

13. You get altitude sickness going from your car to your front door.

14. You have to leave the city to do your shopping.

15. Any wind that doesn’t threaten to take your roof off is just a
‘bit of a breeze’

16. You can detect 27 different shades of black suit.

17. When an earthquake hits, instead of hiding under your desk, you
hold a bet with your workmates on the force, focus and epicentre.

18. When giving directions to tourists, you point up.

19. You go out for your $5 coffee with friends and complain how
expensive Auckland is.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU’RE FROM THE HUTT?
1. You can wake up thinking it’s an earthquake but it’s just a
subwoofer

2. You can say “Wellington is full of ferries” because you are
homophobic.

3. You can recognise half your city’s population in the drink-drive
notices.

4. You can’t afford a $1000 suit

5. You see someone travelling 100kph on the motorway and drive right
up their backside until you can pass them on the inside (and give them
the goat sign salute).

6. You walk from the Railway Station to Willis Street because you
can’t afford the bus.

7. “Just turn left at the first StarMart, walk down the street till
you get to the third StarMart, turn right, go 3 StarMarts and you’ve
bought your family’s shopping for the week: 18 pinky bars, 6 meat pies, 47
chuppa chups. 8. Seeing the Brooklyn Wind Turbine is just too freaky.

9. It takes you 20 minutes to drive from Wellington to Masterton.

10. Boarding a Stagecoach bus is too complicated.

11. You take a bodyguard to the supermarket.

12. The centre line is negotiable

13. You get morning sickness most Mondays.

14. You have to wait til the neighbours are out to do your Christmas
shopping.

15. Any wind that doesn’t threaten to take your roof off is just
another P lab exploding

16. You can detect 27 different shades of black jeans.

17. When an earthquake hits, instead of hiding under your desk, you
hold a bet with the other people in the dole line on the force, focus and epicentre.

18. When giving directions to tourists, you point up and then try and
nick their wallet while their looking up.

19. You go out for your $5 on the pokies and complain how expensive
ciggies are

AND THE ICING ON THE CAKE: YOU KNOW WHEN YOU’RE FROM PORIRUA IF?

1. You can wake up thinking it’s an earthquake but realise it’s just
Hemi, Junior and Rua sharing your single bed

2. You can’t say “Wellington is full of ferries” cause you’ve never
been further than Porirua Train Station.

3. You can recognise half of Porirua city’s population because they’re
your relations.

4. You can’t afford a $1000 suit so you steal some shoes instead.

5. You’ve never seen the motorway because Porirua has everything
you’ve ever needed.

6. You walk from Titahi Bay to Porirua Station, hang out for a bit,
then go to NorthCity? fah haven’t been there since yesterday.

7. “Just turn left at the first KFC? no wait, just stop in at KFC for
a feed.

8. Seeing the Brooklyn Wind Turbine is not an option.

9. It takes you 20 minutes to drive from the mall to your house. KFC
was calling your name.

10. Boarding a Stagecoach bus is betrayal to your uncle who works for
Mana Coach services.

11. You never need a bodyguard because everyone you know could ‘smash
dem’anyway.

12. The centre line is only worth crossing if Maccas or KFC is on the
other side
13. Your only sick if you got too drunk last night.

14. Christmas shopping is not necessary, it’s easier to steal from the
Warehouse

15. Wind is not a top priority for things getting ruined/stolen at
your house.

16. You don’t get tourists.

17. Anyone got 5 bucks for a pie eh?